Sunday, March 28, 2010


To Buddhists everything is temporary, nothing is permanent.  This is
something I've been meditating on very diligently for the past month.
My grandmother very suddenly got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and
since her diagnosis she has been very weak and seems defeated. I don't
honestly know how much of it is the cancer or how much is the pain
medication she is on, but since she fell that day her attitude also
fell drastically. A logical part of me always knew she wouldn't live
forever, but she was so lively and vital that I am not prepared to
lose her yet.  Meditating that this is completely natural, normal, and
the way things are supposed to happen makes it a little better.
There are really two things that make this much more difficult to
navigate. The first and far more enraging is the way my mother is
behaving. She became very emotional and attached to my grandpa's
sister who she hardly knew but has not called or visited her own
mother. It's really hard for me to understand how she can harbor that
much hatred. The second is how a family member is just found out I was
related to can use this tragedy to try to make herself feel better or
me feel worse. I got introduced to her and she immediately started
talking about grandma. I said she was feeling better that she was out
of the hospital to which she retorted that "she isn't going to make
it". I don't understand what is meant by making it, NO ONE lives
forever and she certainly didn't look much better off than grandma but
she felt necessary to add in that little jab.
There have been many hours I've spent thinking on how nothing in life
is permanent and you must enjoy each moment that you are in for you
cannot posses or control the future or past. I will make the most of
each moment I still have with grandma and treasure the memories I have
made with her.


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